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Wednesday, August 14, 2013

Lost? Really? or Really Lost?

I was sitting and find myself in thought.  But what I have been thinking have been very random and almost scary and I just don’t understand why.  I have thought about the kids and what would happen should something happen to there parents and having them ripped from my life.  Along with the fact of seeing someone hit right in front of me.  Actually that thought pertains to any of the children in the neighborhood that I live in.  I know strange isn't it.  I just don’t get it.

Other thoughts have been about winning the lottery.  Yea, I know it is the same dream others have.  What would I do with all that wealth.  I just realized a very disturbing thought.  I have not really opened my bible and did any real studying in a very long time.  What to do?  Well I do know what to do.  I just need to get off my lazy ass and do what is required of me.  Things that the good Lord wants me to do.  I feel alone and I feel that God has left me.  I do know that He doesn’t leave its us who leaves him.  He is just there waiting for us to turn our selves around and seek him.

Why haven't I sought him?  I don’t know why.  My faith is so little these past years.  I wish I knew why and I really need to figure out why.  I need a fire burnt inside me again.  I miss having the closeness with God I used to have.  I am lost but yet I'm not lost.  I know where I am.  I am just not doing what is needed.  I don’t commune with him anymore.  Why is that?  Am I lazy?  Do I not care anymore about things, life, or people?

My friend Tab mentioned that the old me was missed.  I used to be sprit filled and so wanted to commune with Him daily.  My studies and life revolved around God.  What has happened? I am so…I don’t know what am I.  Who am I ????

I know my name is Shawn Malloy but what is my purpose?  Is that really me?  I don’t know anymore.  I feel as though my purpose in life is gone.